Intelligent Debate on Intelligent Design

I was searching for something in my email archives, and I came across this fictional, though hilariously illustrative, dialogue between a scientist and an advocate for Intelligent Design^©. The email was dated October 2005, so I figured it merited being dredged up from the internet meme catacombs and (re)introduced to you all.

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Moderator: We’re here today to debate the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des—

(Scientist pulls out baseball bat.)

Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?

(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate’s kneecap.)

Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!

Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the  hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound; and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn’t mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the “naturalistic” explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.

Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!

Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis implausible — it just is. Your knee must have been designed that way!

Intelligent Design advocate: YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT!

Scientist: I surely do not. How can we know anything for certain? Frankly, I think we should expose people to all points of view. Furthermore, you should really re-examine whether your hypothesis is scientific at all: the breaking of your kneecap happened in the past, so we can’t rewind and run it over again, like a laboratory experiment. Even if we could, it wouldn’t prove that I broke your kneecap the previous time. Plus, let’s not even get into the fact that the entire universe might have just popped into existence right before I said this sentence, with all the evidence of my alleged kneecap-breaking already pre-formed.

Intelligent Design advocate: That’s a load of bullshit sophistry! Get me a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order, and we’ll see how that plays in court!

Scientist (turning to audience): And so we see, ladies and gentlemen, when push comes to shove, advocates of Intelligent Design do not actually believe any of the arguments that they profess to believe. When it comes to matters that hit home, they prefer evidence, the scientific method, testable hypotheses, and naturalistic explanations. In fact, they strongly privilege naturalistic explanations over supernatural hocus-pocus or metaphysical wankery. It is only within the reality-distortion field of their ideological crusade that they give credence to the flimsy, ridiculous arguments which we so commonly see on display. I must confess, it kind of felt good, for once, to be the one spouting free-form bullshit; it’s so terribly easy and relaxing, compared to marshaling rigorous arguments backed up by empirical evidence. But I fear that if I were to continue, then it would be habit-forming, and bad for my soul. Therefore, I bid you adieu.

Ignorant Indianapolis Woman Confuses Inertia for ‘God’

Indianapolis wackaloon Charlotte Thompson recently had the misfortune of stray gunfire tearing into her car. Worse yet, her two great-granddaughters were in the car with her. Luckily, no one was killed in this incident.

As illustrated in the story, let me describe the path of the bullet: through the car door, through her great-granddaughter Shyann, through a purse containing a Bible, and into a watermelon.

Keeping that path in mind, absorb the following quote from Thompson.

“Came through the door, hit her, then it went to the Bible,” she said. The Bible was sitting on the seat between the two girls. “It went in here and come out here and it shredded my Sunday School book. The word of God slowed the bullet so that it didn’t kill anybody.”

“Right in the watermelon. Didn’t come out of the watermelon,” Thompson said. “The word of God and the Lord’s power saved. He sent the bullet into the watermelon.”

The little girl recovered from her injuries, and I’m very glad of that. However I hope she has a better physics teacher than her ignorant great-grandmother had. In keeping with the principles of inertia, friction and resistance created by the door, the Bible, and a human abdomen slowed the bullet, not “the word of god and the lord’s power”. The fact that this woman even toys with the notion that there was any divine intervention is laughable or infuriating, depending on how much you have to deal with this sort of bullshit on a daily basis.

To falsely teach her great-grandchildren by reinforcing this nonsense is a form of neglect. She is failing to properly educate these children by attributing physical occurrences to the supernatural. Telling kids that ‘thunder is actually angels bowling’ is harmless enough, because I don’t know that the tellers of such tall tales actually believe the stories, and the children will eventually learn about the temperature differential caused by a bolt of lightning. To lead them to believe that God slowed down a bullet to keep anyone from getting killed is plain stupid, and may lead to resistance when the time comes that someone tries to teach them what really happened that day.

By the way, wouldn’t it have been a little more convenient if God had slowed the bullet down before it pierced poor Shyann? Why didn’t God make her carry the watermelon? I know why. Because God doesn’t exist. He is a phantom. Acts are attributed to him when the attributee is too ignorant to know the real cause.

If you haven’t seen the movie Pulp Fiction, watch the clip below for a theatrical replay of this scenario. There is some harsh language, so it’s not quite work safe.

Who needs doctors?

Sick children are no laughing matter. I really feel for the child, who can’t experience many elements of a healthy childhood, and the parents, whose lives are consumed with worry and financial burden. And while I personally believe that the United States’ healthcare system has its shortcomings, I do believe that we have some of the best doctors, nurses, and caregivers in the world. I believe they do a great job based on their training and experience.

However, there are those out there that do not believe so. These professionals are missing something.

Prayer.

I came across a support group on Facebook for a sick child that urged others to “please keep this beautiful prayer in mind”.

Lord Jesus Christ, Good Shepherd of the sheep, you gather the lambs in your arms and carry them in your bosom: We commend to your loving care this child. Relieve her pain, guard her from all danger, restore to her your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise this child up to a life of service to you. Hear us, we pray, for you dear Name’s sake. Amen.

I don’t think that prayer is beautiful. I think it is ridiculous. I mean, strictly speaking, I think all prayer is ridiculous, but this one is absolutely absurd. It contains every cliche prayer word and phrase imaginable: “lambs”, “commend”, “raise up”. I mean what does “gather the lambs in your arms and carry them in your bosom” even mean? Does it mean “embrace the children with your love”? Then why not say that? Just because the Bible is written in stuffy, archaic language doesn’t mean you have to carefully construct your prayers to match in style.

“We commend to your loving care this child. Relieve her pain, guard her from all danger, restore to her your gifts of gladness and strength, and raise this child up to a life of service to you.” Why are you in a hospital? Do you not trust God to relieve the pain, guard from danger, and restore strength? Is it just possible that your words to God fall upon deaf (read: nonexistant) ears and the real miracles are being performed by trained medical professionals?

Stop praying for sick people. Studies show that it doesn’t help. In fact, it can even hurt.

Overdue Jesus Camp Story

If you are like me, you probably attended some type of summer camp at some point in your youth. I attended 4-H camp, which had no religious connections at all. The second year I went, the camp overlapped a Sunday, and the campers had the option of attending an all-faiths service, but that was it. As a matter of fact, looking back at every away-from-home-on-Sunday function I have ever attended, I can’t remember a single person getting bent out of shape because church services weren’t arranged.

I guess you have figured out that I never attended church camp. I never even understood the idea behind church camp. You can go to church twice a week and follow your beliefs all the other times, why would you want to do it every single day at summer camp?? Most people find solace in a group of like-minded individuals, but are religious camps just about creating an environment of those with similar beliefs? Some evangelical camps, as highlighted in the movie Jesus Camp, are geared towards pumping children up to spread the word of their god. As one child puts it, “we’re being trained to be God’s army.” This camp’s goal is to prepare children to take the nation back and put it in Jesus’ hands.

Not all camps are as extreme as the one illustrated in this documentary, but it goes to show how far some people are willing to take their cause. Being a free thinker in America is apparently a bad thing. Having an idea contrary to the evangelical money/power machine is a good way to get noticed in a bad way. As one person states in the movie, “There are two types of people in the world: those who love Jesus, and those who don’t.” You don’t say? Those who love bread, those who don’t. Those who love origami, those who don’t. It’s a rather broad and meaningless statement, but when you look into it a little, it shows how black and white the world is to an evangelical. Evangelical Christianity is good and anyone who stands in their way is fueled by Satan.

My main beef with all of this is that they are targeting children. One of the camp leaders notes that the “enemy” is targeting children, so they should prepare a good evangelical offense. Children are highly impressionable. Anyone who was ever fed the Santa Claus bullshit story knows this. When you are young, you actually believe things like a fat man delivering presents to all Christian boys and girls in one night via chimney mail. What do you have to do to get those presents? Oh, it varies from household to household: eating your vegetables, cleaning your room, doing well on your math test, etc. Santa-ism is a miniature religion replete with all of the elements of control and obedience seen in its macro predecessor.

Centuries of common law have led us to the conclusion that children are unfit to handle certain decisions. No driving until. No drinking until. No sex until. No legal documents until. All of these things are rather menial when compared to committing oneself to an eternal being. How can a child of five even begin to comprehend what is going on when they are saying a prayer of salvation? No matter how bright the child is or how much religion has played a role in his life up to that point, there is only so much, developmentally speaking, that he can process. Look at marriage: a very sacred ceremony, the strict definition of which is heavily lobbied by evangelicals. That being the case, why aren’t children allowed to marry? Surely choosing your earth-bound love is a far cry from accepting Christ’s love eternal. Herding a child toward salvation and then casting them through the gates at such an early age serves no purpose aside from furthering your own religious agenda. That child will no longer look at things and see what they are, but how they are connected to Jesus’ plan.

Regardless of whether you like the film or find it too “propagandistic”, it provides some insight to how at least one group of evangelicals plan to reclaim their religious foothold in the hearts and minds of Americans.

Masturbation: The Supreme Sin

I believe it was George Carlin who first put into words what I had believed for so long yet couldn’t quite express. He said it perfectly. Mankind has urges, desires, and wants, and then God sets all of the rules in exact opposition. This is one of the key reasons I believe organized religion to be malarkey. Religion, in its earliest days and to this very day, seeks to keep mankind in order. In an article I came across on DesiringGod.org, the specific area of control is sexual desire. This website purports that the human body is a vessel provided by God that we do not own, but merely cohabitate with our Lord. Since God created our reproductive system for reproduction, anything contrary to that is a dirty sin. The author of this site offers ten words of advice for single people facing sexual desire. I share with you a few of those.

First, do not seek regular sexual gratification through masturbation, that is, the stimulation of your own self to sexual orgasm or climax. Masturbation does not solve sexual pressure for very long, it tends to become habitual, it produces guilt, and it contradicts the God-given design of sexuality. Our bodies and desires were designed for the sexual union of persons, and masturbation contradicts that design. But perhaps worst of all, masturbation is inevitably accompanied and enabled by sexual fantasies in the mind which we would not allow ourselves in reality and so we become like the Pharisees: well scrubbed on the outside, but inside full of perversions.

Pure bullshit right from the start. Masturbation does not create guilt. There’s nothing to be ashamed of unless you create rules that forbid the act. What’s that about fantasies that we would not allow ourselves in reality? Who says I’m not replaying past fantasies or that my fantasies are easily accomplished. Play it up with big words and scare the kids that much more. Deuteronomy 23:10 states: “If there be among you any man that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall ge go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp.” It then explains that once the sun sets he can wash his pubes and return to camp. God doesn’t care about a nocturnal emission that can also be accompanied by fantasies. All you have to do is wash yourself. Why should self pleasure be different?

Second, do not seek sexual satisfaction through touching or being touched by another person, even if you stop short of sexual intercourse. Everyone knows that intimate touching is the prelude and preparation for sexual intercourse, and therefore it belongs where that event belongs, namely, in marriage. Where the permanent commitment that characterizes marriage is missing, caressing becomes depersonalized manipulation; it turns the other’s body into a masturbation device to get a private physical thrill. God made us in such a way that if we try to turn that moment of touching into a personal, spiritual expression of love, we are not able to do it without making promises of faithfulness. Implicit in our hearts at that moment is the statement: You may touch me because you have promised never to leave me nor forsake me. You may have me because you are me. We are so made that we cry out for permanence when giving away our most intimate gifts. They belong in marriage.

This is just some outdated bullshit. This is purely an authoritarian edict that presupposed that one cannot determine for themselves what is truly passionate, spiritual, and permanent. By using loaded words from the beginning like “depersonalized manipulation” you demonize the act without any support.

Third, avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation. It doesn’t take any brains to know that there are enough X-rated movie houses and adult bookstores in this city to keep a person livid 24 hours a day. To visit these crummy places is temptation enough. But the real test is what you do with the more legitimate sources of sexual stimulation. PG movies, Time magazine, the newspaper, television, drugstore magazine racks, rock music lyrics. In our society you cannot escape sexual stimulation, but you can refuse to seek it. And you can avoid it often when you see it coming. This is the great test of whether we are enslaved or free. Can we say no to the slave driver in our bodies who wants us to keep on looking and keep on lusting?

Is this guy asking if I jerk off while reading Time Magazine and watching A Bug’s Life? Though it does bring a new meaning to Avril’s song “My Happy Ending.”

Fourth, when the stimulation comes and the desire starts to rise, perform a very conscious act of transfer onto Christ. I wish I had learned this much earlier in my life. While riding down the road, if some billboard or marquee puts a desire into my mind for some illegitimate sexual pleasure, I take that desire and say, “Jesus, you are my Lord and my God, and my greatest desire is to know and love and obey you, so this desire is really for you. I take it from your competitor, I purge it, and I direct it to you. Thank you for freeing me from the bondage of sin.” It is remarkable what control we can gain over the direction our desires take, if we really long to please Christ.

So when the Casino Le Fantastique billboard makes me itchy, I need to pray? Basically, you are saying that Jesus is a moodkill. Sure, call it “freeing me from the bondage of sin”, but this is no different from Austin Powers yelling “Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!” to keep from becoming aroused.

Christians spend so much time worrying about people having sex that they don’t look at the big picture. Does it really matter? Is “lost innocence” even a concern in today’s society? I know some people who somewhat regret their first sexual encounter, but live fulfilling lives nonetheless. Not everyone who has sex before marriage is going to transform into a guilt-stricken, cry-baby that sits in the corner all day wishing things had gone differently. Stop worrying about the bedroom (or kitchen, den, hallway, turnstile, deep freeze, etc.) and worry about yourself. Worry about leading a good life in more important ways such as taking care of those less fortunate and generally spreading goodwill. I’m sure at the end of the day, you’ll feel a lot more accomplished with zero guilt.