quotable

Some More Bill Maher Quotes

My friend sent me some Bill Maher quotes a while back which I posted for your enjoyment. Stop holding your breath, because she sent me some more for me to share.

New Rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain.

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo – those are the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. And the irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

I always say, “You know what? So what if you love Jesus. Would Jesus love you?”

I know the “morals and values” folks want us to take time out of the school day for prayer and the Ten Commandments and abstinence training, and to learn at least two theories of evolution – the one agreed upon by every scientist in the world, and the one that involves naked ladies and snakes.

The Kansas School Board again is trying to pass a resolution replacing teaching of evolution with the teaching of “creationism.” They pointed out today in the meeting that no one actually ever saw evolution happen. They also passed a resolution that says your feet disappear when you put on shoes.

Black Holes Exist

Black holes exist. And one of them has a television show on Fox News. All reason, common sense, and rationality are sucked in and crushed to nothingness in a blowhard singularity. While some black holes emit radiation, this particular one emits bullshit and bigotry.

The first part is a little slow, and while I agree that the media often portrays things contrary to how they exist in reality, to state that the people on the edges deserve no voice is tyrannical. Of course, if you watch Fox News or CNN on a regular basis, you probably aren’t concerned with too many viewpoints other than those within your comfort bubble anyway.

GlennBeck copyIt’s only mentioned briefly in the video, but Glenn is so upset because of media attention that surrounded the use of the word “God” in the presidential oath of office. Old news, I know, but the principle is still important. He goes on to say that “89% of us believe in God” and “89% want the phrase ‘under God’ to stay in the Pledge [of Allegiance].” Unless two polls just happened to produce identical results, I think Glenn is making an incorrect inference. I know of several theists personally who dispute “under God”‘s presence in the Pledge of Allegiance, as it was added as an afterthought and does nothing to truly unify the people of this nation. Of course, what Glenn is really saying is that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the 11% of Americans who don’t believe in his definition of god.

Just another example of the elitist, blowhard babble to come from a talking head that claims to respect the voice of the unheard, except he takes the easy route by redefining the group of people that he think ought to be heard more.

A Few Bill Maher Quotes

A while back, one of my friends sent me some quotes from her Real Time with Bill Maher daily calendar. I share them now for your enjoyment.

To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven — that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.

Now I’m sure you are all aware of what’s going on down in Alabama, where that judge insists of placing the monument of the Ten Commandments in his courthouse. The good news is the U.S. Supreme Court will not hear of keeping the Ten Commandments in the courthouse…. No, the Supreme Court was very clear. They said you cannot install a giant slab of granite in a state building unless its name is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Happy Mother’s Day!

holy-motherFirst, I would like to wish all of the mothers out there a very Happy Mother’s Day! While I am personally a big fan of letting my mother know how much I appreciate her every time I speak to her, I am not out to rain on anyone’s mother-loving parade.

I would, however, like to rain on some theists’ nonsensical-beliefs parades.

I was listening to XM earlier, and instead of playing music, the DJ, who was blabbering on about shit that I could care less about, decided to close his verbal segment with some quotes about mothers. I don’t subscribe to XM to hear talk on a music channel, but I was too close to home to be channel zapping for alternate programming. One quote, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, stood out.

“God couldn’t be everywhere. That’s why he invented mothers.”

Yeah, I get it. You’re setting out to raise mothers to a godlike standard because they do indeed balance a frightfully heavy load when it comes to child rearing. But in repeating this, what every Christian is actually doing is impugning the omnipresence of their own Lord and Savior. For my Christian-troll readers, I don’t want to hear any of your, “It’s a joke you angry atheist! If you stepped down off your soapbox once in a while to stop persecuting people, maybe you’d have a sense of humor.” To responses like that I can only respond that this phrase does indeed lower God, and should be phrased so many of the other infinite ways it could be worded to give a boost to moms. Why, like so many other “cute” and “fun” sayings, has this caught on as an oft-repeated maxim without any critical thought given to its meaning?

It reminds me of a shirt, sign, or some other crap that I saw at Cracker Barrel that said, “And on the 8th day, God created chocolate.” No he didn’t. He just didn’t. There is no scripture to back this up, and instead of critically analyzing the natural processes that have formed every living thing on this planet, you instead create humor out of one of the most nonsensical leaps in logic in the world: the creation story. This gets repeated with many other things apart from chocolate: beer, Marines, tattoo artists, Legos, hairdressers, ad infinitum. Unlike moms, who deserve more than a pat on the back, these selfish people seek to create some kind of humorous inference related to the creation story that they are somehow special. Guess what? You’re not. You’re a sheep, and a dumb one at that.

Happy Mother’s Day! Unless you are a mother that stifles her children’s learning and discovery of the world by force feeding them bullshit stories from ancient, poorly-edited texts. If that’s the case, I hope the Mother’s Day Fairy leaves you coal in your apron.