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Happy Mother’s Day!

holy-motherFirst, I would like to wish all of the mothers out there a very Happy Mother’s Day! While I am personally a big fan of letting my mother know how much I appreciate her every time I speak to her, I am not out to rain on anyone’s mother-loving parade.

I would, however, like to rain on some theists’ nonsensical-beliefs parades.

I was listening to XM earlier, and instead of playing music, the DJ, who was blabbering on about shit that I could care less about, decided to close his verbal segment with some quotes about mothers. I don’t subscribe to XM to hear talk on a music channel, but I was too close to home to be channel zapping for alternate programming. One quote, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, stood out.

“God couldn’t be everywhere. That’s why he invented mothers.”

Yeah, I get it. You’re setting out to raise mothers to a godlike standard because they do indeed balance a frightfully heavy load when it comes to child rearing. But in repeating this, what every Christian is actually doing is impugning the omnipresence of their own Lord and Savior. For my Christian-troll readers, I don’t want to hear any of your, “It’s a joke you angry atheist! If you stepped down off your soapbox once in a while to stop persecuting people, maybe you’d have a sense of humor.” To responses like that I can only respond that this phrase does indeed lower God, and should be phrased so many of the other infinite ways it could be worded to give a boost to moms. Why, like so many other “cute” and “fun” sayings, has this caught on as an oft-repeated maxim without any critical thought given to its meaning?

It reminds me of a shirt, sign, or some other crap that I saw at Cracker Barrel that said, “And on the 8th day, God created chocolate.” No he didn’t. He just didn’t. There is no scripture to back this up, and instead of critically analyzing the natural processes that have formed every living thing on this planet, you instead create humor out of one of the most nonsensical leaps in logic in the world: the creation story. This gets repeated with many other things apart from chocolate: beer, Marines, tattoo artists, Legos, hairdressers, ad infinitum. Unlike moms, who deserve more than a pat on the back, these selfish people seek to create some kind of humorous inference related to the creation story that they are somehow special. Guess what? You’re not. You’re a sheep, and a dumb one at that.

Happy Mother’s Day! Unless you are a mother that stifles her children’s learning and discovery of the world by force feeding them bullshit stories from ancient, poorly-edited texts. If that’s the case, I hope the Mother’s Day Fairy leaves you coal in your apron.

10 thoughts on “Happy Mother’s Day!

  1. THANK YOU! Thank you for speaking your mind. It makes me feel less alone, like the sanity I possess is an asset, and not a sin.

  2. I like it when you’re mad. It really shows how aggravating it must be to be an atheist.

  3. Oh it is quite aggravating. It’s aggravating to live in a country where the majority of its citizens believe in talking snakes and bushes, navigational pillars of fire, and all of the other nonsense in the Bible.

    The truly aggravating part is that these people are legislators and adjudicators and their zany but otherwise harmless beliefs are forced into my life.

  4. When was the last time a talking snake was forced into your life?
    If this happens again, politely tell your boyfriend you’re just not into that sort of thing and I’m sure he will understand.

    Now, since the Bible is a bunch of nonsense to you, I suspect you will continue to steal, kill, and commit adultery to carry on the free thinking tradition.

  5. Not stealing, killing, or being adulterous are not inspired by the Bible. They are spawned by mutual respect for fellow mankind.

    While talking snakes may not be forced into my life, per se, the funding of “faith-based initiatives”, the blocking of funding for stem cell research, and other by-products of the religious political movement do.

  6. You atheists are funny. Keep it up. By the way nobody typed this. It just magically appeared like everything else in the universe. HA HA HAAAA

  7. Oh, but I think it is you theists who are the funny ones. You don’t know the answer to questions about the origin of life, so you automatically assume that a celestial magician did it!

    The whole “something from nothing” argument leads to an infinite regression, because, after all, this god of creation had to come from somewhere. And wherever he came from had to by created by something. Ad infinitum.

  8. I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. I’m an atheist too, but I can’t figure out what your complaint is. In fact, “And on the 8th day, God created chocolate.” is the sort of joke I would make.

  9. I’ve said much less than the quotes regarding mothers and chocolate in light-hearted jest and have been as a disrespectful heretic by friends or coworkers. I just think it is a perfect example wanting to have it both ways. They want to preserve the sanctity of their precious holy text on one hand, but don’t mind parodying it (on their own terms only) on the other.

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